Saying No

Sometime ago, I wrote on artfully declining invitations during the pandemic. A few days ago, when speaking with a colleague about a debacle on accepting treats and buying food for each other, I realised that I had not addressed the art of declining and saying no in general. 

If you are prone to think that accepting a treat or an invitation for a meal or anything at all for that matter is a nuisance for the person who extends the invitation, please think differently. In all or at least most cases, the person extending the invitation does so happily and willingly.

Therefore, you need to exercise caution and be full of etiquette if you really need to decline the invitation. Lest, you could hurt that person’s feelings and appear to lack etiquette (that’s the opposite direction from where we are trying to head here, isn’t it?)

Saying yes or no is each individual’s right, the issue is when exercising this right, leaves a dent in your relationship. Let’s run through a few habits to inculcate when declining an invitation, a treat or anything at all so that all relationships remain intact and damage free.

01. Say it in Advance

I mentioned this in the previous article as well and it is important to indicate your unavailability before the host starts spending or getting into the details of the plan.

02. Give a Valid Reason

If you made it to the list of invitees or made it to be offered something, you must be special for some reason. You may not know the exact reason, but always look at it as though, you are special to that person. If you need to say no, don’t make it a flimsy one which makes the host feel that the invitation is trashy or that what was offered was worthless.

03. Say it Sincerely and Politely

Let’s say that you don’t want to hobnob with the crowd that would be in attendance and don’t want to accept the invitation. Still, put up a front and tell the host that you would have loved to be there, but that you would have to skip on account of a truly valid sounding reason. Also, tell the host that you hope the event goes well.

Here is the art of it:
a. When saying it, maintain eye contact and look like you genuinely feel bad about having to say no.
b. Take a few minutes to explain your difficulty in attending; don’t be abrupt or dismissive. This is a real game changer; we Sri Lankans are good at buttering people, having lengthy chats and using ‘ane’ when needed, so go ahead, this is an occasion for all of it.
c. Use a polite and neutral tone that carries warmth when having the conversation.
d. Have open and pleasant facial expressions. In our colloquial way of saying things ‘don’t make faces’, don’t frown and for goodness sake, don’t carry an expression that says ‘I would rather die than be at your party’.

(Yes, yes, do go along and practice in front of the mirror until you know you can do this.)

04.Stick to the Story

After you decline, don’t go telling others a different story or how you think it is going to be a ‘not so great event’. In fact, after you decline, just keep quiet about it.

05.Send a Gift

If it is a gift that is to be shared among the attendees, such as a tin of chocolates, a bottle of wine or a cake, make sure to send it prior to the event. If it is a gift for the host, you can give it before or after the event.

06.Post Event Best Practices

Once the event is over, ask the host whether things went well and what you missed. Make this a pleasant and sincere conversation where you effectively demonstrate how refined you are. Adopting points a to d from 03 above would make sure that you are safe.

Saying No is tough and for the purpose of great social connections and networking, it should be a last resort. Put some effort to mastering the social skills needed to say ‘no’ with class and stature – it will pay rich dividends over the years. Believe me, there will be countless times that you need to decline invitations, offers and simply put your foot down. I hope this helps you do all of that better.

If you are having a hard time figuring out what to say and how to say it, write to us at fullofetiquette@gmail.com and we might be able to help you.